After the magnificent Grand Depart, hard to imagine that by the first rest day, we would have seen the abandonment of Mark Cavendish, Chris Froome and Alberto Contador (among others), Vincenzo Nibali with a vice grip on yellow and Tony Martin wearing the polka dot jersey! We have all the tweets and instagrams from the most eventful week in the Tour de France in a very long time. Here we go …

Taking the rough with the smooth

Stage 5 was supposed to be one of the key stages in this year’s Tour. It lived up to its hype. It was cold, it was muddy, it was wet. It was decisive.  

The big abandonment number one

Or the number one’s big abandonment. Either way, it was a shock to see Chris Froome stepping into the team car before they even hit the cobbles. He couldn’t have been anything other than distraught.

Even Jesus abandons sometimes

Stage 6 sees Jesus letting go of the Tour.   While Stage 7 sees Matteo Trentin take a sprint away from Peter Sagan by the tiniest of margins.

Vive la France

France has had a tremendous couple of days – Stage 8 sees a stage win for Blel Kadri as well as the KOM jersey. He looks thrilled, doesn’t he? What we hoped would be a battle royale for the rest of the Tour. Noodle & Doodle … The Curious Incident of the Yellow Hat in the Tour While Richie Porte perfects his ‘floating head’ trick.

Outta my way!

Stage 9 and Tony Martin does another one of his wild rides alone – this time he made it. And helped sell a lot of caps, it seems. I’ve decided that the phrase ‘band of brothers’ is banned for at least the duration of this Tour. Let’s get more expressive, more imaginative with our vocabulary, eh, tweeties. And besides, can a ‘band’ be just two people – isn’t this more of a ‘duet of brothers’? Leaving that to one side, I really wonder who that podium girl is making eyes. So Tony Martin, current world TT champion, used his big engine and ability to ride near the limit for long periods of time to good use. Then, Fabian Cancellara, former (four-time) world TT champion and current #SacredHaunches, took second … in a seated sprint. Who was third? Greg van Avermaet. The irony of it all.   And the yellow jersey went to Frenchman Tony Gallopin of Lotto Belisol. He rode hard to get that jersey and Astana rode easy to make sure he did. Marcel Kittel had the Duchess of Cambridge as his podium girl, Tony has Taylor Swift as his. Oh, wait, that’s not Taylor Swift, that’s Marion Rousse – a talented and successful cyclist in her own right. But damn, she’s a double for Ms Swift.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls

It was a sad day for Alberto Contador and his fans – and even for some people who aren’t really his fans. I expect that the part where he climbs into the team car wasn’t in the pre-stage discussion he was having with Bjarne Riis.     Nibali won the stage – and perhaps the Tour itself – on this momentous day. Tony Martin had the pox. But only on the chest pox. Not haunch pox. The Velvet Samurai pops a no-handed wheelie. On the summit. Beast. And the French are gearing up for something maybe quite special on the way to Paris.

Pressing on

Rest day means sleeping, recovery rides and press. Lots of press. Here Dave Brailsford is trying to energise Geraint Thomas by tickling his chin. Never has day-glo looked so sad. Giants go out to play on their bikes. SuperSagan looks like a little boy who desperately wants to go out and play on his bike but he can’t because he needs to get his school picture taken. While Tony Martin sleeps off the pox.

The Gruppetto

Chris Horner, apparently, gets his 9000 calories with an unorthodox diet. That Boy Phinney has been popping up all over this column. Here’s a lovely picture of him, looking all mean and moody. The Taylor Recovery Report announces that he is now able to push some watts. Hell Yeah! In happier days for Tinkoff-Saxo Boy, that bus doesn’t look like it’s been decked out by Dexter, like Ag2r’s bus, does it? The difference in budget is there for all to see. “I can stretch my arms all the way out and still not touch the sides of this bus. Bite me.” I wonder if Sainsbury’s would take a credit card of energy. Might see if I have better luck than Dan Wuori has had with it. Cav‘s going to learn another language during his recovery period! Fabianese! If this doesn’t look like a shindig at a frat house in the fifties, I don’t know what does. This is just an amazing picture. Of course, it’s a Gruber original. Love love love Juan Antonio Flecha‘s ‘man about the peloton’ gig on Eurosport. All the guys seem at such ease with him. And he’s not tried to break away once! Greg Lemond is looking a bit ‘spy who came in from the cold’ in this picture. Jens was presented with six little yellow jerseys for his children. Sweet gesture for his last Tour. Cool cats. Grrrrrrr Just beautiful artwork from Artcrank. When Nibbles was a pup. No idea what the ‘hey lady’ story is all about but Peter DeNitto’s reaction was brilliant. Geez, even the cows are taking selfies! (Two pairs of sunglasses but at least he’s got his seat belt fastened.) Um, okaaaayyyy “They didn’t believe us when we said Germany would win the World Cup too!” Million dollar idea. Is it just me or does this meringue portrait of Sylvain Chavanel look like something from a comic book and any minute now, he’s going to turn into some sort of superhero? Just me? Really? I just liked this picture. These cakes of Mrs Frog’s are just so delightful! I love the thought of her going into the kitchen, mixing up the batter and then saying to herself, ‘now, how am I going to make a stage tableau with this select group of toys’. The Tour’ll do that to you! Charlie Eppes. (Tweet me if you get that …) Niki Terprstra is daydreaming about being a cardboard cutout. I know what Paolini was doing on his mobile the other day in the stage. … He was remotely guiding his clone to victory in the Velo29 Stockton GP. Blimey, Trek’s hotel budget must be tight if they only give Fabs a crib to sleep in. Speaking of sleeping time, I thought this was the best tweet of the week. Mats does it again! There’s a lady who’s sure …

The Last Word

It’s the drama, the passion, the heartbreak, the moments of humour and kindness that makes cycling so wonderful and this Tour has it in spades. This week’s Tour Tweets is all about the emotions of the race. Oh and hair.

Triumph

Rafal Majka won the queen stage this weekend. If you remember, he wasn’t even supposed to be on the Tour team until he got a last minute call-up. He wasn’t happy about it. But I bet he is now.

Alexander Kristoff didn’t do too badly last week either!

Triumph comes in many forms and That Boy Phinney has had some triumphs of his own in his recovery this past week. It’s the Taylor Recovery Report.

Celebrations

From wheelies to champagne to a pastry station, there’s a lot of celebrating going on in this Tour.

Even though the Velvet Samurai hasn’t won any stages yet (much to his chagrin), he’s still able to pop a celebratory wheelie on the top of climbs.

Pain

Pain – emotional, physical – is part of racing. It’s either shown in a grimace or in a dead-eye stare at the end of a stage.

Straight-talking

Love him or loathe him, Oleg Tinkov certainly speaks his mind. As does Marcel Kittel and Greg Henderson.

Friendship

I love this picture from my #CostaCrush.

No idea how this picture came about. Bennati thinks: “Hey Rafa, I’m so happy for you, I’m going to pick you up!” Majka has the expression of ‘Blimey, he’s about to drop me” on his face.

It was a regular lovefest between Greg Lemond and Laurens Ten Dam the other day on Eurosport. The highlight of post-race programming.

Is it just me, or does Adam Hansen look like a young Dennis Quaid from Breaking Away days? Just me? Really?

Fans

Not a mankini in sight.

Hair

It’s all about the do.

 Taylor has something in common with The Rock. Well, the mossy version of The Rock.

 The Gruppetto

A great picture.

Those bicycle pumps come in handy.

Looks like Vino‘s going to go out for a round of golf after his press duties.

The Grubers‘ work is always a treat during a grand tour.

I see Chris Froome has been listening to Lionel Richie again. (Dancing on the Ceiling? Remember that?)

Another Gruber special.

“I am the puppetmaster. I move the peloton with my mind!”

Spare a thought for the cyclists who rode the Etape this year – the Tourmalet in a torrent.

The trash of the peloton – except I think Mr Mitchelson has missed off a ‘w’ in this tweet.

But you can see his point with this picture.

The Last Word

Another year, another final week of the Tour with its gruelling mountain stages, tense time trial and bling sprint on the Champs. Then comes the tears of the victors and the revelry of demob happy cyclists. And we share it all through Twitter. This week, we check out the French, the Germans and one mad Russian, plus celebrations, relaxation and recovery.

Vive la France

Travel back in time to the Grand Depart in Yorkshire and if someone had said to you, “Put money on two Frenchmen for the podium in Paris”, you’d probably have laughed them right out onto the moors. But if you had listened to them, you would now have that elusive suitcase full of cash. Ah well. Thibaut Pinot, Jean-Christophe Peraud and Romain Bardet gave us great entertainment as they were locked in their own private battle over the last week.

They might have gone at it tooth and nail on the road, but Bardet and Pinot never let hostilities continue after the stage.

Bardet, who looked as fresh-faced as a 15-year-old, suffered the most disappointment over the final week and although he handled it with a grace that no 15-year-old I’ve ever known would have done, sometimes the disappointment got the better of him.

For me, this is one of the great moments of this year’s Tour. Mutual respect and sportsmanship just before they both start the time trial that would solidify their places on the final podium.

The emotion got a bit too much for Peraud (and his DS) as well – this time, tears of joy.

Kisses and tears and kisses again.

Okay, NOW Bardet looks more like that cheeky boy from the Yorkshire presentation, whose hair stood up on end. He started with a selfie, he’ll end with a selfie!

He’ll be back …

Danke für die Erinnerungen

If it wasn’t the French racing each other, it was the Germans racing everyone else. Marcel Kittel and Jens Voigt (among others) also made this Tour their own.

ArgoSunGod Kittel won the bling sprint on the Champs for the second year running. Hell yeah!

While Jens got a huge cheer as he went on the break onto the Champs for the last time.

I hope I look this good when I retire.

Ciao bello

The worthy winner of this year’s Tour de France finally showed some emotion on the final day. But first, the funniest picture of a little boy in an FDJ jersey you’re ever likely to see.

Русский

Oh, the wonder that is Oleg. I have to say, after his joyful tears live on French television, I’m really warming to Mr Tinkov. He’s still the conductor of his own crazy train but at least he shows a passion and fire for the sport. Love him or hate him, he’s compelling.

I’d have loaded the video of Oleg conducting a rousing rendition of We Are The Champions, except every time I play it, it’s on a weird constant loop and I have to restart my machine to stop it. I thought I would spare us all that.

Okay, the winking thing? It needs to stop now. From the look on Oleg’s face in this picture, he agrees with me. “Rafal, keep both of your damn eyes open.”

Hang on, is he supposed to be driving?

All these spots are making me wink

I had to show these just to spread around the pain of seeing this hideous Pox helmet and, well, entire outfit.

His time trial get-up was even more atrocious.

Bloody hell, now they’re all at it. (Is it just me or does he look like he’s got one of those cardboard cutout bodies and only his head is real in this? Just me? Really?)

The Gruppetto

Looks like the guys were already in that summer camp mood on their transfer flight to Paris.

Luca Paolini looks so much cooler in a cap, not that aero helmet. He really is the epitome of Mr Cool, don’t you think?

Speaking of Mr Cool, if you remember last week, That Boy Phinney put up a less-than-flattering picture of The Rock and commented that they both had the same hair style. So Michael Hickok took to Photoshop.

Oh, I say! Is that why his tongue is always out? OH, I did NOT just say that!

There is pain in them thar hills.

TRACTOR BIKE …

…WITH A COW IN THE MIDDLE! I love everything about this picture. The thought of the town meeting, “So, what are we doing to do in the way of roadside art this year? Needs a little spark!” “I know! Tractors for the wheels – of course! – but then put a dancing cow in the middle of the gear set.” “Gold, Jerry! GOLD!” (but in French…)

Which brings me to my #KwiatKrush and more cows. (Although I think that the dancing alien with the eye mask on that they give best young rider is better than the cuddly cows. But only just.)

And a bear! A bear!

This tweet has given me nightmares. Now it will you!

These pictures of the Ladies’ Favourite will soothe your mind.

And how about a round of applause for the Queen of Cycling, Marianne Vos, who won the inaugural La Course on Sunday?

Now this is lovely. Zdenek Stybar‘s wife is smiling because now she gets to watch him doing the ironing without his shirt whenever she damn well pleases.

I have no idea.

But I’m betting that Nutella would not taste good on them. BTW, Steele von Hoff – he should really be a private detective with that name. Maybe he could solve the riddle of the Great Nutella Heist from last year!

And people wonder why I moved over to London.

I just liked this next little series of pictures.

I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been paying all this attention to Taylor Phinney’s recovery report and hadn’t even thought about Gustav Larsson, who about a month ago cracked three vertebrae in a crash just before the Swedish TT championships. Great to see him on the mend.

And speaking of mend, it is now time for the Taylor Recovery Report. He’s on the road again!

Last word

Ah, the dog days of August – everyone seems to be on holiday or riding in the rain. Those who have been swimming in the Twitterstream over the past two weeks include Adam Blythe, Geraint Thomas, Jens and a lot of gruppetto boys. Let’s jump in.

Four seasons in one day

Sunday’s Ride London was a wash-out success. The sportive riders rode pretty much in the rain the whole time, while the pro peloton went from sun to rain to downpour to sun in a matter of minutes, over and over again.

It was great to see PhilGil back in action. (He came fourth!)

But it was PhilGil’s ex-teammate, Adam Blythe, who came through in the end – muddied but victorious. Sky’s Ben Swift was second so it was a Yorkshire one-two on the podium. It was rounded out by Frenchman Julian Alaphilippe of OPQS.

Podium – okay. I don’t mean to be churlish, but really, doesn’t this podium look a bit unceremonious? Just stuck out in the middle of the road. Okay, the road *is* The Mall with Buckingham Palace waaaaaaaay down there, but still.

And tell me if I’m wrong, but Adam’s outfit on the podium – he looks like Biggles or a biplane daredevil from days of yore. Quite fetching.

In the Commonwealth

I’ve always loved Geraint Thomas – I think he really is a huge talent, so it was great to see him win gold in the men’s road race during the Commonwealth Games. And guess what! It rained. Let’s hope this win propels G into a leadership role in the Classics next season for Sky. He deserves it.

The cookies are almost gone

Jens is about to hang up his wheels. But not before he takes another spin around the American West, where he is so incredibly popular.

The Gruppetto

So not only is there shirtless ironing by Zdenek Stybar, but he almost had to do some naked riding.

Maybe Fabs was piloting the plane and just wanted to give Z a scare? #KingClass

Bikes of all descriptions …

And animals with bikes.

A plotting Russian oligarch.

Sleeping riders. Um, don’t look too closely at that picture of George Bennett.

The podium practicing semophore, without the flags. Or doing an uncoordinated rendition of YMCA.

That Boy Phinney as a gawky (yet freakishly tall) teenager.

And That Boy Phinney as a still freakishly tall but decidedly un-gawky young man. Here with Lucas Euser who, if you remember, stayed with Taylor when he had his horrific accident earlier this year.

A healthy shot of maple syrup and you’ll be right as rain.

Mick Jagger getting ready for his next tour – later this month, Spain! Dressed up dog alert!!!! Where on earth did #CostaCrush get such a teeny tiny little jersey for his dog? Remember when I said that Adam Blythe looked like a biplane pilot? Rasmus Quaade is his co-pilot.

While Ryder Hesjedal just looks old-fashioned in his plaid shorts and knee sock combo. Obviously about to play a few rounds in Boca Raton while his bike is getting seen to.

And Fabs just looks fab.

And Nairo Quintana – my pick for the winner of the Vuelta this year – looking cheerful!

The Last Word

The fishing hasn’t been too good this week in the Twitterstream. I blame the seals. So I’ve just collected some lovely pictures that you might not have noticed on your timeline. So let’s go.

Sam Bennett has quite a lot of stitching to do.

I’ve never seen Tom Boonen be anything but lovely to his fans and here’s more proof. He’s a good egg, is Tom.

I am unsure about that beard. Very unsure. But he’s looking lean and ready for another title at the World Championship at the end of September.

Sylvain Chavanel has been posting up a lot of pictures this week. And always in that lovely IAM kit.

Well except when he’s dressed like the Milk Tray man.

My #CostaCrush grows and grows when I see tweets like this. Just a good-natured guy on dog-eat-dog social channel.

#SacredHaunches Instagram!

12 mini branches for Fabs.

“I’m too sexy for my shirt”

This shoes are that weird iridescent so they change colour as they move. Kinda cool!

Oleg’s been at it again. Sometimes he’s funny, sometimes he’s offensive. Guess which one he was this week …

Taylor Recovery Report! Is he using new – inferior! – hair product? His do doesn’t look as uplifted as usual!

Thor during the Arctic Race to the Pole (might not be the correct name). I wonder if there are seals in that harbour … he might want to get some practice in.

Poor Thor. He thought he had the stage win on the last day of the Arctic Race – a fighting end to a great career – but was beaten by fellow Norwegian Alexander Kristoff. You can see how much that hurt.

And here are those seals.

Of course, we all know that Jens is retiring at the end of this week. So here are some gratuitous pictures of him.

With the look on ArgoSunGod Marcel Kittel’s face, I’m betting no one has the guts to suggest he go feed some seals in an ice cave.

Methinks he’s won the Upstanding Do contest this week, although That Boy Phinney might not have realised there was a contest.

Aww, Nico and his nan!

OPQS boys keeping the caps fires burning.

Personally, I would be more upset about that purple crushed velvet bedding.

The lovely Zdenek Stybar with his keg of plenty. Knowing that he broke three of those beautiful teeth in a crash a few days later makes me sad.

Obligatory Welsh jokes from Geraint Thomas‘s hoteliers.

Schooooooool’s out for EVER!

And the last word.

It’s another short Tweets – VeloVoices Towers has practically been deserted over the past week due to annual holidays so the tweets are a bit thin on the ground. But we do have That Boy Phinney, Jens and lots of cyclists on an aircraft carrier!

Fire and Ice

Between the Vuelta’s scorching heat and the ice bucket challenge, riders have been running hot and cold these days. Chris Froome, Pete Kennaugh and Tim Kerrison doused themselves in ice water last weekend.

Is it just me or does Pete Kennaugh looking both innocent and intense at the same time?

Whereas Fabs, I think, would pay someone to throw an ice bucket over him.

Ted King, on the other hand, had to contend with lightning. Very very frightening …

And Dan Lloyd states the obvious.

Big missiles

The Vuelta’s stage three began on an aircraft carrier. Cue theme to Top Gun. (I still think it’s jumping the shark.)

Taylor Recovery Report!

That Boy Phinney has been out and about at the USA Pro Challenge. It’s great to see him back in the peloton, even if it’s just for a short spin. And those really are some amazing scars.

I think we should all sport a Frankenstein temporary tattoo on our shin until he starts racing again.

Farewell Jens

Of course, you would be hard pressed to miss the news that, yes, this weekend, Jens really did retire. Here are just a few little tweets out of the millions over the past week.

You can’t accuse the USA Pro Challenge of not having a sense of humour! They give out Viking helmets to the winners.

Only fitting that they gave Jens one of his own. Although how he got that through security at an airport is anyone’s guess. Us lesser mortals can’t take a bottle of water but Jens can take a horned hat on board? His legend fills the airspace, apparently.

The Gruppetto

You’d think that BMC could splash out on a mini-van for the riders’ bags, wouldn’t you?

A Spanish evening looking even better with the #SacredHaunches. This was obviously before he lost that 4.5kg. I wish I could lose that kind of weight that quickly. #SuddenSveltness

A tiger with a camera on his head running alongside a ridiculously begoggled rider. Only in pro cycling! (Although that tiger really is light on his feet!)

Although Adam Hansen and Les Vaches are not talking about the same thing, I think these tweets definitely go together.

Little Baby Blackbird soaring in the Spanish sunshine.

I so so so hope Neal Rogers is prophesying the future. I would love to see John Degenkolb in the rainbow jersey one day. Class act.

The Last Word

We have tweets from Spain! We have tweets from, um, other places! We have cycling lookalikes! We have Taylor’s legs! We have a long-winded comparison of Freddie Mercury and Team Sky! We nearly had a naked Pippo (but I spared you that…) It’s Tweets of the Week!!!!

The spicy Vuelta!

So many stories. Here are just a few.

The Mighty John Degenkolb™ making a play for green all the way to Santiago. #GoGoGoGo

And with a team like this behind him, I wouldn’t bet against him!

I just thought this was a very sweet tweet from one of the most aggressive (in a good way – not a Bouhanni way) riders.

The heat was on. Remember in the final TT for the Tour and Bardet had what looked like a little ferret on the back of his neck? Well, Javier Moreno has opted for a jellyfish.

While Tony Martin, as usual, goes above and beyond …

Little Baby Blackbird tells Matt Stephens (no nickname – yet) that, yeah, he’s doing okay.

And this was Purito‘s reaction to that news.

Today’s TT threw up some surprises – but not this one.

Nairo Quintana – my pick for the Vuelta win – had a terrible day on the bike with an almighty crash. Never like to see a guy go out of contention for the podium like this.

Okay. Tell me this. Why oh why do they stuff those cotton plugs up their nose when they’re warming up/down for a TT? And how can I make it stop?

You must be crackers!

Mick and the boys on the Pharmer bus. It’s like he never left that airport lounge, isn’t it?

Chris Froome‘s caption made me laugh. Years ago, I read a memoir by an ex-lover of Freddie Mercury (there’s a point to this story, just stay with me). Anyway, in the book, he said something to the effect that the wildest party Freddie ever threw was … a hat party. Not a naked hat party – or a hat full of cocaine party – but just ‘wear a silly hat’ party. Oh how we laughed at the crazy hats people arrived in – Brian May in a Stetson!!! – before we made s’mores outside near the campfire. That’s just so wacky!

ANYWAY, you’re wondering what this has to do with cycling, Chris Froome and/or Sky, aren’t you? Well, it’s the ‘we’re so kooky, look! we stick out our tongues!’ aspect of it that made me think of that story.

But sure as shootin’, THESE guys are really up to something. And they’re wearing silly hats!

I’m beginning to think that the bus section of this column now makes no sense at all. But I’ve done the calculations and I must push on …

Tour of Britain is coming up and it features one of my favourite aspects.

Uh, no, not that one – but my, doesn’t he look ArgoSunGod-like? No, no my favourite aspect of the ToB is this: c’est fromage!

All unwanted cheese gratefully received at Casa Fondue!

You remind me of someone …

Three look-alikes this week. First up, Dave Brailsford’s younger brother. Am I right?

Dominik Nerz looking like that Lord of the Rings guy – Elijah Wood.

I am SOOO right about that, aren’t I!?!

But scariest of all – Dan Martin seems to have aged about 30 years in this race. Who does he look like?

I rest my case.

The Gruppetto

My favourite little Movistarlet, Andrey Amador kickin’ back on the rest day.

Tell me something. Why is Theo Bos watching speedskating in his full kit, including helmet. Why? (Maybe he’s off to a party later …)

This picture makes me nervous.

The Sacred Haunches™ bathed in celestial light.

Any Grand Tour is a good Grand Tour when Adam Hansen is riding it.

Kittel‘s hair is looking mighty fine these days.

Eddy‘s been poorly this past week. Here’s a picture from when he was king.

That Boy Phinney – as if I didn’t love him enough, I see this bit of film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caPRaldpoeg

And speaking of Taylor, here’s the latest look at his legs.

The thought of that peanut butter meeting that beard … >cue skin crawling<

The Last Word

It might have been slim pickins’ over the past few weeks, but we’ve netted ourselves an abundance of good tweets this week! We have Froome versus Contador, Bruiser Brambilla versus Rumble Rovny, and lots and lots of great photographs.

The ups, the downs

It was a topsy-turvy weekend for the GC. It started with Chris Froome losing time in the ITT on Tuesday.

Then, on Saturday, it looked like he didn’t have it in the mountains either. He kept his eyes glued to his power meter and ignored the rest of the world. Which actually worked in that it kept him in contention. But it was not pretty.

Of course, at least where Alejandro Valverde and Joaquim Rodriguez are concerned, it looks like Froome is going to have the last laugh.

The pair stupidly did not work with Baby Blackbird on Sunday’s stage to put time into Froome and instead sucked Bertie’s wheel before nipping out from behind him to pick up some time on him. They would pay a dear price on Monday for that. Foolish, foolish men.

Contador went with Froome and then won the queen stage, taking time on all of his rivals. Froome is now just three seconds from kicking Valverde off the second step of the podium.

I suspect you could have cut the atmosphere in that helicopter with a knife – at least between the Spanish passengers. Fabio Aru and Froome look fairly happy with things!

But that wasn’t even the biggest news from stage 16!

Biff! Bang! Pow!

The break most certainly broke on stage 16 with a fight – right on the bikes! – between OPQS’s Gianluca ‘Bruiser’ Brambilla and Tinkoff-Saxo’s Ivan ‘Rumble’ Rovney. Punches were thrown, sunnies were destroyed, LL Sanchez shook his head in disgust.

If I were the commissaires, I would be more concerned about the rider who seemed to burst into flames just at the time of the fisticuffs. Either that or Scotty’s beaming him up. (Velocast is an alien? What? Well, that explains a lot…)

We all expect that this bad blood will be boiling over for some races to come. Brambilla was not a happy bunny.

The camera bike was a bit brutal during stage 16 – if it wasn’t sticking its lens into the suffering face of Mick Jagger (who really looked about 70 at one point), it lingered around Brambilla, just waiting for the tears.

Bruiser hung out on the road until the Tinkoff train came whistling by. He was kind enough to tell Rumbler the news.

Snappy snaps

There are some great pictures that have been coming out of the Vuelta this year – particularly from BrakeThrough and Pasion Ciclista.

I love that the guy in the green teeshirt is talking to the guy in the elephant onesie as if it’s the most natural thing in the world!

Meanwhile, back in Blighty

The Tour of Britain started and it was a very informal affair, as can be seen from the pictures.

Of course, the riders were more than generous with their time, signing autographs and posing for pictures with the fans. You don’t get that kind of interaction in any other sport.

Totally love that little Batman.

It’s just like July all over again – here’s Prince Harry! The guy looks like he’s about to cry – the little boy? He’s not impressed. He’s thinking: ‘You’re not the ArgoSunGod™…’

The Gruppetto

Theo Bos goes Canadian.

During one of the Vuelta stages, we saw Warren Barguil (Giant, of course) raid a BMC musette. He’s young, he got excited at the feed station, he just grabbed the first musette he could, it happens.

It has been decided that the red jersey paired with Tinkoff’s yellow and blue bibs and accented by the yellow and red knee tape was a sartorial success.

The Mighty John Degenkolb™.

Fabs and Bobby Cannavale, that actor who was in Boardwalk Empire and Nurse Jackie. Am I right?

Dan Lloyd drily debunks a theory from Shane Stokes and Mikkel Conde.

Jered taking magical pictures. Still.

The banter between Greg Henderson and Adam Hansen used to feature a lot in Tweets – and they’re back!

The ArgoSunGod™

A happy birthday photo of one of our favourites, Koen de Kort.

Beautiful photograph – looks so peaceful, doesn’t it?

Vincenzo Nibali visits the guys who work on Ryder‘s bike.

Love. That. Hat.

REALLY love the hats!

They’re trying to blind us with science over at Garmin. But don’t worry! Science has never stopped a good conspiracy theory from growing out of proportion!

More great photography – this time by Wei Yuet. Have a look at his flickr – his work is really quite wonderful.

Cancellara as a pup.

The Last Word

Been a bit hit or miss lately with Tweets of the Week and for that I apologise. Life sometimes leaves little time for swimming the Twitterstream. But I couldn’t let Michal Kwiatkowski‘s win on Sunday go undocumented.

They’re behind you!

My #KwiatKrush made a sneaky – yet audacious – move six kilometres from the finish to take the rainbow jersey. Although it did look like he was going to lose it right on the line. But that was only the camera angle.

This is why he won.

How livid was I that BBC decided to let Rob Hayles and Jonathan Edwards talk utter bollocks while the podium presentation was going on. And Michal cried! And I MISSED IT! #Raging

But what about the others?

The VelvetSamurai™ was in fact the InvisibleSamurai. Didn’t even see him in the race.

PhilGil, on the other hand, was one of the few to really animate the race.

And he had one of the best national kits.

But what about My Beloved Fabs? Didn’t go so well … >sad face<

The race of truth

The individual time trial competition was one of the most anticipated showdowns of the Worlds – Martin vs Wiggins.

The Gruppetto

Stef Clement goes home. Please note his wife Cindy’s response to this tweet.

“Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?”

Wouldn’t be Tweets without a Quinziato selfie!

The German team – funny how ordinary they look in street clothes!

Jens made an appearance at the CycleShow and was one popular guy.

Giant-Shimano has a new sponsor. They will be known as Giant-Alpecin next year. Yes, Alpecin, the German caffeine shampoo. The ArgoSunGod‘s hair should be more luxuriant than EVER!

Nutella love. Starting to get just a little bit silly now.

The last word

We’ve all seen Andy Schleck go from the highest of heights – battling it out with Alberto Contador in one of cycling’s great rivalries – to the lowest of lows after his pelvic injury in 2012 that seemed to affect his mental strength as much as his physical being. Last year it became clear that joking about deploying the Schleckchute was starting to feel like kicking a guy when he was down.

On Thursday, 9 October, he announced his retirement in an emotional press conference. This Tweets of the Week Special gathers some of the reaction from the Twittersphere, plus links to some of the best write-ups and a few vids as well.

Pre-press speculation

“I will end my career”

In what was an incredibly emotional press conference, Andy announced his retirement. Clearly, this was not a decision he made lightly or with a glad heart. The knee injury he sustained after running into an errant spectator during this year’s Tour de France put paid to his future in the sport.

Reactions to the news

Riders and fans alike took to the Twitterstream with their reaction to the news.

Here is the epic battle between Contador and Schleck on the Tourmalet, Stage 17 of the 2010 TdF

And their Specialized advert (yeah yeah yeah, I know, Specialized. But it’s funny.)

The Rouleur link below is here.

Peloton magazine’s link is here. This has quite a nice gallery of photographs as well.

Perhaps Andy’s greatest triumph was his solo win on Galibier in 2011. Certainly, that’s one of my favourite TdF stage wins by, well, anyone. It’s Eddy Merckx rising out of the sunroof of the commissaire’s care and Andy’s glance over at him as if he were delirious that was icing on the cake. This clip is 12 minutes long and with French commentary, but it is well worth seeing again.

He may not be cycling anymore, but as Melissa’s tweet demonstrates, he still has a lot in his life. We wish him and his family a happy and healthy future.

The last word

Golly but the 2015 Tour de France route certainly has got everyone talking – and tweeting! From the cobbles in the first half of the Tour to the Galibier/Alpe d’Huez penultimate stage, last week’s presentation gave everyone plenty of food for thought. Including Marcel Kittel, Alberto Contador and, of course, Chris Froome. And you guys…

Presentation time!

The 2015 route was officially presented on Wednesday, 22 October. And this is what it looks like (in 3-D no less!).

The presentation itself had a mix of riders in attendance: Marcel Kittel, Thibaut Pinot, Jean-Christophe Peraud and, of course, the defending champion, Vincenzo Nibali. Sartorial comment: What the hell is going on in the wardrobe department for these guys? (More on that later.)

His Nibs‘s reaction to the parcours or to Peraud’s outfit? Pinot averts his eyes. (I really need to find a nickname for Pinot)

Is it just me or does Pinot look like Rufus Wainwright? Just me? Really?

Seriously, you can’t tell me there’s no resemblance. But I digress. No big TTs and a lot of climbing? Could we see a French winner this year? (Note to self: possible but unlikely)

While we’re on the subject of French riders, Christophe Riblon was on hand and can only have been pleased to see Alpe d’Huez featuring so prominently on the route. Another day to cover himself in glory?

Okay, now we have to get to Peraud’s outfit. I’m kind of okay with the white shirt and tie combo with a Starsky-esque cardigan but the jeans … Oh, J-C, what? the? ….?

NO, hey, I’ve got it! It’s like that rumour that anchormen don’t ever wear any trousers when they’re on TV because you’re only going to see their top half. That’s it! (I will refrain from discussing the hair.)

The hair! THE HAIR! It can only be the ArgoSunGod, Marcel Kittel, with hair that audacious! And it looks like he might just sprint himself into the green jersey in the first week, what with some ginormous bonus points for those stage wins.

Obviously, the organisers are not happy with the Velvet Samurai locking up the green due to his consistency, because the jersey is awarded for … um … consistency, not stage glory. Except now it seems it is awarded for stage glory.

Good to see Cadel at the presentation. Freaked out about the hands, though.

Sorry. This is the last picture of the ArgoSunGod. Couldn’t help myself.

The route itself

Very mixed reaction regarding the route. It’s all about the climbing, really. Which means some people love it (me) and some people, not so much. It will, however, be a difficult Tour – no sewing up the race with a good TT performance, no siree.

There are also some pesky cobbles again this year!

Baby Blackbird states the obvious.

I’m really intrigued as to what a guerrilla OPQS team would be. All in Che Guevara berets and camouflage, hiding in the crowd to jump out at the last minute and take the stage? If guerrillas are all about stealth and surprise, are they going to ditch Big Boonen and Little Cav (too conspicuous) or will they be used as a diversion? Enquiring minds want to know!

One thing is for sure – EVERYONE is excited about the new Montvernier climb. Tight switchbacks one right after the other. Booking my days off work already to make sure I’m home and tweeting every single kilometre of that climb!

This is Nairo Quintana‘s #IAMEXCITE look.

This is Mickey Mouse‘s #IAMEXCITE look.

I would love to see Team MTN-Qhubeka on the Tour in 2015.

And to finish this section off, Oleg is talking about eating elephants.

A quick note about the Grand Depart. And to think I didn’t think the publicity caravan could get any crazier looking.

A little musical interlude. This is BonVoyage – the official song of Utrecht Grand Depart. As the mighty Robert Plant would sing, ooooooh, and it makes me wonder.

Hell no, I won’t go!

All of the above proved to be just a diversion from the main attraction of the day and that was Chris Froome‘s ‘Too many mountains, not enough TT, I won’t play!’ comments. Set. Twitter. Aflame.

Don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought Chris Froome didn’t like climbing. So he’s thinking of doing the Giro/ Vuelta instead. The Vuelta. Which is always about climbing. Even when it’s not.

Bluff being called.

Wiping the sea spray from our eyes (that’s the salty Froome dog in the gigantic puffa jacket), we finally see the truth.

Could Team Sky actually be getting this PR lark right, after all these years?

The Gruppetto

Will we see these two at the Tour next year? The Sacred Haunches to try to nab the maillot jaune on the prologue and wear it for a week? That Boy Phinney to finally race his first Tour? Fingers crossed!

I simply thought this picture was charming.

The last word

Stop, hey, what’s that sound? It’s the sound of a peloton tweeting up a storm, that’s what it is. It’s a new year, I’m feeling revitalised and so Tweets of the Week is BACK for the 2015 season. Others have tried to imitate it but none can better it – it’s the original and still the best, even if I do say so myself. So sit back and relax because we’re going to talk about Adam Hansen, the patron saint of cycling, black as the new black, hair, Heinrich Haussler and the Sacred Haunches.

Training camp blues

Now that Jens has retired, I think we can safely say that Adam Hansen is the undisputed hardman of the peloton. I’ve held on to his training camp tweets from before Christmas to kick off this year’s Tweets …

Black is black is black is black

The unveiling of the new team kits has been happening in earnest over past few weeks and the absence of colour has been quite the trend. First up is MTN-Qhubeka.

Which looks like the shirts that NFL referees wear.

Which looks like Juventus’s strip …

Which looks like an overly boisterous version of the new Giant-Alpecin kit. What sport are we talking about again?

Cannondale-Garmin, however, decided to take their black and make diamonds out of it. Diamonds are forever forever forever.

The mystery of the black has been solved, however.

However, while a lot of teams have been piling on the black, Trek Factory Racing has smartly kept it where it’s needed most (the bibs) and added white where it will be most helpful to commentators and fans alike in picking them out of the peloton – the shoulders and upper chest. Cue picture of the #SacredHaunches. We will have no problem seeing Fabs smack everyone down at Flanders and Roubaix to do the double again this year.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud and the new Trek kit means Carlton Kirby will be calling the riders ‘the White Shoulders’ (at least they’re not golden …). Which, if you know your parfum, you will know is a very famous, very traditional fragrance, often mixed up with White Diamonds, by Elizabeth Taylor. And like Garmin, Liz was fond of diamonds, too. Therefore, she could rightly be called the patron saint of cycling. I’m really stunning you with my free association and tenuous connections, aren’t I? You’ve missed that, haven’t you?!

Even with all the complaints about too much black in the peloton, that didn’t endear Ag2r’s brown shorts with anyone (although I’ve always liked the team’s kit). New signings Jan Bakelants and Johan Vansummeren modelled the slightly revised kit.

You can’t tell so well from this picture, but of course the IAM kit – THE best kit in the peloton (and that’s official) – is a deep navy blue. So sophisticated, so classy and we love love love the touch of humour for the back of the jerseys. Not sure about ‘Heino’ as a nickname – doesn’t really trip off the tongue like Barbie, now does it, but the guys will be really easily identifiable in those overhead shots of a fast and furious peloton during the season. Chapeau, IAM, chapeau!

(BTW, if you didn’t know this, our own Midge loves Jakob Fuglsang and does not take kindly to jibes about his eyebrows. Panache has fallen foul of that on a number of occasions and he still has the scratch marks to prove it. So Conor really was walking on thin ice with his remarks.)

The future is green and gold

It is for Barbie – at least for this year – for he just went and won himself the Australian National Champions jersey on Sunday. A win that was roundly applauded at VeloVoices Towers because, well, we’ve always had a soft spot for Mr Haussler. It’s great to see him back. Let’s just run through his victory, shall we?

It really all began last Friday, when CyclingTips posted this interview. We should have put money on him then.  I absolutely love that photograph.

The run-up to the race had some familiar faces.

The favourites were Mick Rogers, Cadel Evans and Richie Porte. IAM Heino was waiting, just like a spider!, for his chance …

Do not get distracted by the lumberjack.

The moment of victory – not only does Haussler ride without gloves, looks like he took the win without a chain too! I think he’s going to give aforementioned Adam Hansen a run for his money as hardman of the peloton.

A few shots of the champ receiving congratulations. He’s looking more and more like an RAF pilot who time-travelled into the 21st century the older he gets. AND he has hair to rival ArgoSunGod, Marcel Kittel (more about him in a mo).

And quite simply the best picture of the whole day …  #IAMCHAMP

The Gruppetto

Magnificent tee-shirt. Only four made. I think we need to petition Mick to get his friend to offer these for sale.

Blimey, that is one sheer skinsuit. (Shield your eyes, Ma!)

And That Boy Phinney as a boy.

Speaking of youngsters …

You know all that stuff about the Russian economy tanking because of sanctions and plummeting oil prices. Is that why they only have one small chair for three riders to sit on? Maybe Oleg spent all the budget on the operation to implant those bright lights into The Velvet Samurai‘s shins. Love GCN’s autocorrect …

In the film of Pozzato’s life, the twitterati believes the role should go to James Flacco Franco. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Fabianese is still going strong and it’s infiltrating another social media channel because My Beloved is now on Instagram!

Remember I said we’d get to ArgoSunGod Marcel Kittel? Did you doubt me? (If you did, you must be a first timer to this column!) Here he is, rocking the Haussler look but BIGGER! Ah, it’s good to be back, kids! Until next week …

 The last word

It’s January, which starts with J, as does the word joey. No, not Tribbiani – those little kangaroo babies that are so prominent in the run-up to the Tour Down Under. Not only do we have a whole gallery of snake-handling, joey-cuddling, koala-gazing cyclists, but we have Fabs leading the sheep.

Hold me

Nothing says “Hello new season!” like a koala.

The ArgoSunGod gets some joey cuddles. If I changed my name to Joey, would he wrap me in a blanket as well?

I’d kind of thought that if you were Australian, you wouldn’t really get excited by joeys because, let’s face it, they’re everywhere (well, at least I think they are. I’ve never been to Australia. I may be talking nonsense). But that didn’t stop Cadel Evans from trying to take a roo-selfie.

Lars Boom can actually talk to the animals. Or at least reptiles.

Jack Bauer: the only guy in this selection who looks cool with a koala.

Hmm, it looks like Alex Howes slept on wet hair for 60 hours – what an up-do! (BTW, a 60-hour trip? Was he coming from the moon?)

Whereas Jack Bauer is cool with koala, Marco Coledan – well – he actually makes a 12-foot snake look like an elegant Italian accessory. (I reckon this is how Fabs would wear a snake as well …)

That koala looks like it’s trying to headbutt the camera. I think it’s had enough.

We can’t forget the bestest Australian animal of all – it’s the Crikey Cadel croc. Ah, lovely to see him back.

Hard to believe, but I think Ryder Hesjedal looks even sillier in his new helmet and goggles than he did last year. I do like the black argyle though. Natty.

Is it just me or does Heinrich Haussler look like Gordon Ramsay’s younger brother?

See what I mean? Just me? Really? (I think I should get credit for carrying on the animal theme here. Sheep will figure later on in this column so #StayAlert!)

“You want a piece of us? Huh? Huh? Do ya????” The Argonauts talk big and bad.

And with good reason as the ArgoSunGod won Sunday’s People’s Choice Classic.

Meanwhile in SanLuis

You know how Victoria Beckham never smiles for the camera because she’s afraid she’ll look daft? (If you didn’t know that, it is true. That is what she thinks.) I wonder if my little #KwiatKrush has taken that advice to heart. He’s not looking his cheerful self.

Should we start calling him Rainbow Spice?

Mark Cavendish looks like he’s in a hurry – maybe to get to a press conference? However, behind him, the other Etixxes are auditioning for parts in Rumblefish.

“So, hey, Rainbow Spice, what is that on the front of your bike?” “Handlebars. And you can call me Rainbow.”

Rainbow has become downright animated with that peace sign.

Let’s talk about Fabs

When I say, talk about Fabs, I mean look at pictures of Fabs.

That is all.

The Gruppetto

Oleg’s hideous punishment if his team doesn’t win everything this season. (I’m really unsure about that facial hair on the Velvet Samurai.)

Speaking of the Velvet Samurai …

And speaking of facial hair …

Personally, I think he’s looking a bit Bee Gees with that much facial hair. Go back to the stubble, Bernie!

As this week’s column was really a menagerie, we’ll end with a pony.

The last word

The first WorldTour race of the season is done and dusted and it was a rip-roarer. We say farewell to an Australian cycling legend at the Tour Down Under, we have the reactions to Pops‘s reaction to not being invited to the Tour of California in May and Mick Jagger seems to be on some sort of road trip. Plus: Sagan in a onesie, Fabs on the red carpet and That Boy Phinney with enormous hair.

G’day mates

BMC’s Rohan Dennis claimed the top step of the TDU podium by a mere two seconds over Sky’s Richie Porte. And in his last race in the WorldTour peloton, Cadel Evans took third. Competing to the end and supporting his teammate for the win, Evans finished up his racing career with real class.

Who is this strange man in the orange fedora? He looks familiar although for the life of me I just can’t place him.

The ArgoSunGod looking better in this picture than the next one.

I wonder what our friendly croc is going to do now that Cadel has gone? I hope he goes on. We like the croc.

Robbie McEwen was on hand last week to do some commentary on the TDU and by all accounts did a fine job! (Pssst, Eurosport? Please hire him.) However, as we all know, it’s easy for even the most down-to-earth of commentators to stray into hyperbole. Robbie was not immune to temptation. But at least he never forgot Cadel’s name.

The race is ruined!

And speaking of hyperbole – and hubris! - Chris Horner had a few choice words for the organisers of the Tour of California for not picking him and his team as a wildcard for May. Then he rode off on his huffy bike.

This is what Pops said:

I don’t know what the promoters are thinking. They’ve obviously done harm to the race by not bringing me. You left the only current rider with a grand tour résumé who was going to show up, and I’m a past champion there.

Some of you agreed with him, some not so much.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Americas

So last January, February, March, maybe even into April, we saw tweets from Mick Jagger from airport lounges all over the world. This week, he seemed to take to the road, all the way from Colombia to Miami (okay, he flew to Miami but still) – and there was cake!

This shot well and truly bewilders me. Is that an abandoned sausage shack?

They might have been in Panama at the same time, but we’ve never seen them in the same room together, now have we?

From Panama to Miami.

I wonder why he’s driving in his cycling kit?

Next week, Our Rigo takes a train and husky sled to Alaska! I’m putting money on this being the year he goes around the world, Michael Palin style.

The Gruppetto

Retro treasures. 

Look at that HAIR! On both of them!

Many a Samu fan was popping the champagne corks last week when it was announced that the golden-shod cyclist had signed for another year at BMC.

And there was an interesting chat about Richie Porte possibly going to BMC next year. But who would Froomey get to be his energy gel gatherer after the feeding cut-off point? Seriously, nothing says ‘night of romance’ quite like a fleecy onesie, orange-toed socks and pool slides. Ned Boulting‘s reply to Sagan‘s tweet is wonderful. Meanwhile, back in the prehistoric 80s, Michele Acquarone had A-ha hair and Patsy Kensit leaning on his shoulder. Luca: still bearded. Looking lean and mean.

Happy news for the Boonens. I suspect Tom will be a doting dad. Priceless. Fabs: pre-shave.

Fabs: post-shave and pre-production. Fabs: cleaned up and looking swelegant. End of Fabs doting.

We haven’t had some lovely photographs from the Grubers lately. So here are two. Makes you sigh, don’t they!?

Just one little exchange about a certain cycling doctor.

The last word

Another week of racing, another week of hot tweets dealing with the burning issues of the day. We have Jack Bobridge’s (unsuccessful) hour attempt, Bernie‘s Luca-like beardage, Fabs and the Force and Mick Jagger‘s continuing solo tour of lonely places. Oleg‘s in the gruppetto with Basso, as is the Velvet Samurai and Katusha trick cyclists.

“Don’t do it. Save yourself!”

I was wondering that little yellow ring was in Bobridge’s nose. Not up with what the kids are doing these days, I thought maybe this was some sort of fashion statement. Apparently not. It’s to help the breathing (it does something like hold the nostrils open). So not unlike those stacks of nasal strips that the guys wear.

It’s all about the pacing, kids.

There are calls for Jack to just get back on that bike and try it again this week. Not sure he can be convinced. The lovely Tom Varney, however, thinks that it’s good that he didn’t break the record.

Bernie’s got a new set of whiskers

…And the bearded ladies are not happy about it.

The Force is strong in Fabs

Spartacus is going over the plan with his teammates – Panache thinks they look like stormtroopers.

Ant took that idea and ran with it.

“These are not the droids you’re looking for…”

Unfortunately, it seems the Force isn’t strong enough to stop them punishing Fabs during training by making him watch this!?!

Gratuitous pictures of Fabs looking fabulous.

The long and winding road

…that leads to … seriously, where the hell IS Mick Jagger these days? He seems to be posting up lonely pictures of him in deserted places. Is he lost? I think he might be. Someone go find him and get him to an airport lounge!

During all this lonely wandering, looks like his friends have posted up their favourite album covers.

Rigo: Songs for Young Lovers

Rigo: The Christmas Album

Rigo Sings the Psychedelic Furs Songbook

Rigo Uncovered

The Gruppetto

Don’t try this at home, kids!

Marianne Vos congratulating Pauline Ferrand-Prevot on her win at the Cyclocross World Championships. We need more of this spirit, I think.

I’m unsure as to what to say to this. What? The? …

They sure didn’t hide this news in a PDF in an obscure part of their website. Hey UCI, a new brand identity ain’t gonna solve any of your problems. None. Not. A. One.

Maple syrup birthday cake all round!

Tinkoff training camp. Bertie catches a lift, SuperSagan stretches an elastic band and Oleg is in town …

And so is the circus! Another one of those pictures that leaves me speechless.

Leader of the pack.

Dan Craven, immortalised in plastic.

The Broomwagon shows no pity.

Last word

Another week, another desert race. Another week, another Hour attempt. Another week, another set of bewildering tweets from Mick Jagger. It’s Tuesday, it’s Tweets, it’s awesome. Saddle up!

No more lonesome cowboy

Mick Jagger’s solo tour of the world’s most deserted places seems to have come to an end because last week Our Rigo won the national ITT championship of Colombia. He is actually with people this week, which is a relief as I was getting worried.

He does, however, pin alone …

Here he is, looking like he’s about 15

A little bit of bling for Mr Jagger. The little kid looks thoroughly unimpressed.

“Could you play Satisfaction? It’s my favourite!”

With perhaps the strangest picture of the entire column, I have absolutely positively NO idea what the hell is going on here.

The thighs have it

Lord Hoy! I thought the magnificent Sir Chris made a perfect response to this Throwback Thursday pic.

And he’s even willing to wear orange makeup. What a trooper!

60 minutes

Rohan Dennis busted the Hour Record with a steady ride. Dan Wuori, who really is one of my favourite tweeters, has done a rough sketch on the top of a cupcake of the pacing of these Hour attempts. “I have vanquished the clock with this, my mighty steed!”

I love the way Inner Ring (another of my favourite tweeters) drily says “He’s cramping up now.”

Brad is managing expectations.

Sandstorm in a teacup

The Mighty Degs’ uphill sprint in stage three of the Dubai Tour was most magnificent but cruelly did not gain him enough time to take the overall win.

That honour, and a rather pleasing trophy, went to Mark Cavendish, who looks ready to have a monster season.

While over in Qatar, Brad is being quite the wag. (Wag in the old-fashioned sense of the word, as in jolly japester as opposed to the modern-day WAG, which he is not.)

I guess “ready to race” meant “be somewhere in the peloton during the day”.

As of the time of writing, he is 94th, a good ten minutes back from the leader Alexander Kristoff. Obviously, he can make that up in the time trial. (See, I can be a jolly japester too!)

Tom Boonen, who is one second off the lead at the time of writing, has solved the mystery as to what happened to Wiggins.

He was lulling Brad into a false sense of security by getting tangled up with the Velvet Samurai.

Wiggins wasn’t the only rider Tom and the team were targetting. Looks like Tom was right – The Poodled One is 39th, 3:18 down.

The Gruppetto

Speaking of the Poodled One.

Napoleon got there first. And then Robbie McEwen. THEN Sagan started doing wheelies on mountaintop finishes.

I wonder if the voice that whispers that in his head has a Russian accent and an ever so slight edge to it.

Is it just me or does Mick Rogers look like one of those mad scientist types who get on television and say things like “And every snowflake is unique! EVERY ONE!” (Either that or a failed Ninja Turtle.) Really? Just me?

There’s that whisper again … “Make sure that is just the first of many, my friend.”

Police arrest dickheads. Plus ça change.

No. No no no no no no no no no. Stop it. Now.

Why, Angel, why?

Another very swish trophy – it and the Dubai trophy we saw earlier are ever so snazzy. But must be hard to find a place to put them in a typical rider’s house. They’re gigantic.

Fabs. Twice.

It’s uncanny.

This ‘bike o’spoons’ looks like a rather menacing armour-plated insect from outer space.

Bjarne Riis is a man of many emotions.

Has no one at the Giro read Little Red Riding Hood?

The last word

Oh Lordy, Lordy, do we have a Tweets of the Week for you! Nibali snubs Froome! Contador vows to retire! Greg Lemond pays his own way! Lance owes millions! Wiggins recycles quips! Gratuitous photos of Cancellara in the desert! Plus, Mod ‘style’ – gotta have it or make it stop?!? Let’s fire that starting gun …

Froome? Never heard of him

Vincenzo Nibali threw down the gauntlet for this July.

Yet Julien Pretot noticed that, um, he named his rivals two weeks ago – and they were different names …

While one of the names that was on both of Nibs’ lists announced his retirement post-2016.

There was some speculation as to whether we should believe this or not.

“What’s that in dollars?”

Greg Lemond was in London over the weekend to attend the London Bike Show and to meet Lord Hoy and the Vulpine crowd.

Kind of churlish to make two legends of the bike sit on whitewashed car tyres – this isn’t Nascar!

10 million smackeroos

One of the many court cases involving Lance Armstrong finally came to a conclusion on Monday.

Desert rats with beards

It was a hot and stormy race – ‘sandstormy’ – in Qatar last week, which gave us some serious echelon action that WE COULD NOT SEE because no one televised it. But we did get some great photographs posted up on Twitter and Instagram.

Gotta have it? Make it stop!

Oh but this set Twitter alight on Monday! New jersey for Team Wiggins. Personally, it might have looked better if those gold spindly stars were on the jersey, like the black argyle at Cannondale-Garmin. The reaction to this design was mixed, to say the least.

A lot of ‘gotta have it!’s here.

Some more of the ‘make it stop’ brigade.

Do Mods moonwalk?

So in the spirit of managing expectations, Wiggins came out last week with the analogy that Roubaix was like moonwalking. It’s tough to do. Moonwalking on cobbles. Now THAT’s even harder to do!

And there were variations on the quote.

Even Wiggins himself gave a variation of the quote. Oh wait! He’d used that moonwalking analogy before! When he was getting ready to win the Giro in 2013!

My big question is this: Who among us wants to be able to ‘moonwalk at a party’ – or is it just cyclists in the peloton who all want to do that? Do they do the robot as well? What the hell kind of parties do they go to after the races? I knew Mods were retro but do we really want to bring that particular ‘dance’ move back? (That would be a ‘no’)

The Gruppetto

Farewell, Mr Ferrero. You brought much happiness to the world.

I wonder how Sean feels about that court case?

Daddy van der Poel seems to be saying, “I done told them and told them, ‘pull your damn trousers up!’ They never listen.”

Madiot‘s opinion of Team Sky, apparently.

Coco plots revenge.

Send us a picture when you get that spray job done, won’t you, David?

Fabs as PeeWee Herman. Even if he was wearing a tight grey suit with high-water trousers, he’d still look great.

Fabianese still going strong. All is right with the world.

Dave Brailsford. Right? Yes?

This has to be the beigest room I have ever seen.

It’s not the wrong image that disturbs me, it’s Sagan‘s kit. I am actively hating it now. Every time I see it, I automatically think his luggage got lost in transit (or was sent to Abu Dhabi while he arrived in Oman) and this was all they could find in the lost-and-found for him to wear.

I suspect that if the God of Thunder gave you a slap, you’d be out for a week.

The last word

It’s a bumper crop of tweets this week – we have everything from worms (everywhere) and rats (flying out of trees) to sand and heat and meetings under bridges (oh man!) Can you think of another sport on the face of the earth that can serve up spectacles and WTFs on so consistent a basis as cycling? Neither can I. I’m got my can opener at the ready!

Can open, worms everywhere

Brian Cookson, Grand Poobah of the UCI, has never been one of the most eloquent of speakers. In an interview with The Guardian this week, the bewhiskered one warned us to brace ourselves for a plague of wigglers when the CIRC report comes out at the end of this month (which, um, is like Saturday)!

Heat and dust

Let’s go back to earlier in the week when Fabs won stage two in Oman in a heated sprint (outsprinting GVA yet again – he’s getting ready for the classics!) This is what he looked like just afterwards. Please note in this picture the little girl in the black polka dot dress. (Black? In that heat?)

I loved all three comments on this picture – from Fabs’ very dry “it was not raining” (see what I did there?) to Ben and Scott’s retorts.

Just imagine for a moment riding for hours in nearly 47°C heat (that’s 116°F for our American readers).

That kind of heat makes your shirt transparent.

And fatigued.

But enough pictures of Fabs. Let’s get to the real story of the week. The sandstorm. Stage five.

I think the advice to ‘protect yourself with arms’ is to keep from getting whacked in the face by a flying rat. A. Flying. Rat. That can climb trees. Climb! Trees!

But then things got really dodgy. Blown tyres, brakes not working, nearly 50°C heat, more sand than you could shake a stick at and the peloton decided to stop under a bridge to have a bit of a chat with the organisers. Eddy was NOT amused.

All that dust is making me thirsty. So here are a few water-related instagrams from Oman. Where did that puddle of water come from, I wonder?

Luca just taking care of business.

Meanwhile, over in Spain

The rain was falling mainly on the plain. But that didn’t dampen the renewed rivalry between Chris Froome and Alberto Contador. Oh no. That was game on! Bertie was the first to throw down the gauntlet.

Froome, however, bounced back and took up the challenge.

While all the while, CyclingNews went all Mills & Boon on us.

At any rate, we can safely say that Sky have been adjusting themselves over the winter, as not only did Froome win Andalucia, Geraint Thomas won Volta ao Algarve. And Richie Porte won something. Oh, he won a stage in the Algarve. It’ll be an interesting summer.

V-necks and sharpies

We miss That Boy Phinney, don’t we? Fingers crossed he’ll be back in the peloton before summer.

Here’s a question. Why would you ask someone to autograph your forehead? Or any part of your body for that matter. You will wash it off (eventually) (we hope). Have any of you got parts of yourselves autographed? Let us know (but keep it respectable, okay?)

The Gruppetto

And as if to prove this point, we have Scarlett’s Kittel cut. Uncanny, no?

Rapha announced some more new designs the other day – as if the Wiggins jersey wasn’t enough. I honestly don’t think anyone on Twitter liked it.

Only Fabs can make compression knee-highs look sexy. (Okay, this is the last Fabs picture.)

I wouldn’t put it past Kanye to storm the Tour podium.

Haven’t had Manuel Quinziato in Tweets for a while so I’m rectifying that now. But hey, is Daniel Oss looking more and more like Murdoch from the A-Team’s younger, crazier brother every day or what? Or, wait, maybe he looks more like Ted Nugent’s younger, more gonzo brother …

While Jonathan Vaughters just looks downright shifty.

An Argonaut mystery.

This really made me laugh.

I think we’ll leave the E3 poster until next week. So here’s KBK’s handiwork.

Go nuts tonight, fella!

I think Marcel Aregger told me something I didn’t want to know about the state of his posterior.

The last word

Anyone who saw Saturday’s Omloop Het Nieuwsblad will almost certainly say that it is one of the best races, well, ever in the history of roads. So it’s an almost exclusive OHN Tweets of the Week: we have Wolfpacks, beardies, bad predictions and bad, bad tactics. Settle down with some frites and mayo, because we’re off!

The Wolf Pack

I’m unsure as to why the IAM team is suddenly being referred to as The Wolf Pack – perhaps because they’re on the hunt? – but, hey, I’ll go with it. But it did bring Emmerdale to mind for Midge and Scott. I just want to know if Chava has any tractor tattoos.

I’d like to hear a Sugden try to pronounce the name Dries Devenyns.

We’re clambitchen!

Eurosport must have done something heinous in an earlier life because they consistently do not get the rights to broadcast one of the best races in the cycling calendar. That said, Sporza commentators are a joy forever and almost easier to understand than Sean Kelly. Bernie good, very very good. Bernie’s beard bad, very very bad.

Clambitchen farm equipment!

There was a farmers’ protest during the race and they lined up their tractors by the side of the road (I would have thought that on the road would be a more effective protest, but Belgians obviously do it a little differently). Of course, if this had been July, we would have thought it was merely a greeting from the farmers to the fans.

Enough of this preamble. Let’s get to the real action. For the majority of the race – in fact, up until the last few kilometres – everyone was pretty sure Etixx had it in the bag.

Etixx count their chickens …

… but there were some hatching problems

The yolk was on them

The three Etixx riders had it in the bag. In. The. Bag. How did it come about that it got out of the bag? This series of tweets is perfect in that it shows the realisation slowly dawning on viewers that Etixx were going to throw this race away with both hands. Or more accurately, with six hands.

The aftermath

Of course everyone could see the truth and logic of what Etixx Grand Poobah, Patrick Lefevere, had to say about Ian Stannard’s lack of professionalism. Not taking a turn on the front when there’s three against one – that’s just unsportsmanlike! What we were witnessing were straws well and truly clutched.

The most interesting prediction of the entire day. Makes sense. Boonen is going to retire soon and no one seems to like Niki Terpstra (well, except for the people who do like Niki Terpstra).

Which leaves the Roubaix conundrum

It is no secret that Bradley Wiggins wants to win Roubaix this year. But, as he said in a previous Tweets column, he might moonwalk instead, which means he won’t win it after all. Or something to that effect. But I’m wondering if he was counting on Ian Stannard to maul both this race and the best classics team in the business singlehandedly? No, he was not. Are we taking bets on a Pinarello throw yet?

So there you have it. Omloop as told by Twitter. But before we go, there is one special mention of a weekend event that showed as much gumption and heart as Stannard’s win.

Chapeau, madame!

The last word

Here at Tweets of the Week we try to look on the bright side of life but sometimes, well, it’s difficult. Those who have tried our patience this week are Astana and His Nibs claiming all the wildcards, CIRC and the unbridled incompetence of the UCI and … oh, that’s it. However, cheeky tweeters worldwide have given me plenty of fodder to put a rueful smile on our faces. We also have a little Paris-Nice, a Lotto box and we’re kicking’ up the dust at Strade Bianche.

The long and dusty road

This picture saddens me. I thought of anyone in the peloton, Spartacus would hold out and not put one of those melon helmets on his head. #NotNoice

It was a day of wind and crashes and windy crashes. We have not, however, heard reports of rats flying from the trees, like the sandstorms in Oman.

Trek’s Jasper Stuyven crashed so badly that he needed to go to hospital to get his wound cleaned in the operating room. And if you look closely, you can see that his hand has grown to three times its size. He now has the hands of a giant.

While this! Honest to God, some people are just slack-jawed jackasses. So did this guy proudly say to his friends, ‘”Hey, yeah, I got this bidon from a Trek rider who was really injured, so, you know, he didn’t need it or anything!”? I hope they told him he was a bad, bad man.

Ian Stannard abandoned as well (although he too had a cut leg, he wasn’t being anti-sunshine as suggested).

Sep Vanmarcke, on the other hand, just kept at it, ploughing a lonely furrow. In fact, for the longest time, I thought the guy on Eurosport was calling him ‘Formica’ (he was being very precise with his pronunciation, which is what made it undecipherable). “Who is this Formica guy?” I kept asking. Anyway, from now on, he’s known as Sep Formica at VeloVoices Towers. Peter Sagan was playing with Russian fire and an observation about Take Out The Trash Day at Casa Cancellara.

There was a very worrying part of the race where Sep Formica started dangling his tongue out – reallllly stretching it out – and he kept doing it. Okay, he might have been tired, but this Tommy Voeckler gurning has to stop.

Luckily Formica has a sense of humor – and he’s speaking Fabianese! Do you think he took a Rosetta Stone course so he could talk back to Fabs when he started doing his Jedi mind tricks on him during the classics? “You will ride with me. Work hard for me you will.”

And in a turn-up for the books, The Fonz was out in front of the race for quite some time. Until he had to go back to his job at the garage. Ayyyyyyyyyyy.

Never to be outdone, even Morrissey showed up at the race.

While Daniel Oss’s 70s soft metal mullet whispered in the wind.

The Velvet Samurai, on the other hand, did not do as well in the race as everyone predicted – least of all, Mr Tinkov. Ominously, only a crumpled bit of kit remained.

You know what, I’m not touching this one.

Of course, once Stybar got into the home stretch, everyone said they picked him for the win. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. But we have proof that Matt Rendell *did* pick him for the win well before the race started. Looks like Sean and Al got it really wrong.

In one of the more random tweets of the race, we see Stybar’s bike after the race, exhausted, maybe a little drunk from the podium champagne, just hoping for a massage and a shower.

Now *that* is a trophy!

I think the final tweet in this section should be from the winner.

We’re living in a box

Finally, FINALLY, a team uses some imagination when photographing their riders. Catalogue poses from De Gendt, Gallopin and Sieberg; Bak and Greipel are trying to make a break for it; Wellens goes all boy band and Henderson has probably done something to Hansen to make him curl up into a ball. Fabulous, no?

Holding back the ears

The podium girls couldn’t resist those ears so they decided to blow in them.

Seems Etixx has perfected its cloning programme.

But what of Wiggins? He had a snazzy new merino wool TT champ’s jumper (although there was some question over brand guidelines – can the rainbow stripes be on a black sweater – is that allowed?) He also had a snazzy rainbow-striped car following him. Ah what the hell, if it’s not on brand, Sky’ll pay the fines.

Dan Wuori let the visuals do the talking.

While Cycling Expert was putting a positive spin on Wiggins’ placement after the prologue.

I will survive!

Cries Vincenzo Nibali, looking down the barrel of an unlicensed team and a no-show at the Tour de France. Basically, His Nibs has said that, hey, if Astana’s licence gets revoked, they’ll get wildcards to the big races as a pro-conti team! Simples! Except, um, they would have no license – they wouldn’t get bumped down a rung and default into a pro-conti licence. Maybe he could ride on Team Wiggins?!? Food for thought. Speaking of food, what about cake?

There was a big, long discussion that went over about three days concerning what team His Nibs could go to if Astana found themselves licence-less but I won’t bore you with all that. I’m going right to the sordid sex scandal.

You know, I think cycling needs a good sex scandal.

Send in the clowns

Speaking of sex scandals, this is what CIRC has thrown up – guys are using Viagra at races!? As Nick points out, it would be hard to disguise that. (Thank you and goodnight!)

There’s even mention of unicorn sperm.

“Mistakes, I’ve made a few. But far too few to mention.”

“It was all a dream. A horrible dream!” “Hand me that towel, Pamela!”

The Gruppetto

Whisper it with me … ‘Sylvain Chavanel‘

New sponsorship deal with Sky.

Which leaves us with Yumbo. That team that Sep Formica rides for.

The Last Word